Based on 'Similitude'.
Into Enterprise:
Archer: We are gathered here today to witness the mairage of-
Hoshi: Uh, sir, its a funeral.
Archer: Oh sure. Mrs. "perfect" Hoshi Sato over here wants to make this a bad day!
T'pol: Just get on with it!
Archer: Fine! Trip died. (laughs evil) Or did he?
Unsuspecting viewer: HUH? Trip DIES! Wa wa wa! How could they?
ONE WEEK AGO!
Another viewer: Oh great, their pulling one of those "One week ago" things they used in "Impulse" again.
Doctor_Odd: Viewers, will you go away? Your ruining my parody!
Archer: So, Trip. I hear your making big changes to the replicators.
Trip: It's the warp nacelles.
Archer: Oh great. I was trying to get a real death scene for Mayweather.
Trip: Huh? How would the replicators work?
Archer: I have my ways...
Trip: Wait. No. Don't answer. It's pleasant when your not spewing technobabble.
Archer: Okay.
Into engineering:
Trip: Okay. I'm ready for my big death scene, director Odd!
Archer: Uh, Connor, were on the air!
Trip: Oh great! I thought the live-trek was a bad idea!
Archer: Lets just kill you and get over with it.
Trip: Fine. Ouch! Look at the-big-stick portruding from my lower stomach. Grrr.
Into sickbay:
Phlox: Captain, how did he get hurt?
Trip: A sedative would be nice! OW!
Archer: What's this jar for?
Phlox: NO! Be careful! That's a brain-thing! It'll kill commander Tucker!
Archer: Oops!
Trip: Thanks a lot! zzzzzzzzzz...
Phlox: The sedative is keeping him alive!
Archer: How can we cure him?
Phlox: If I told you, I'd have to kill you.
Archer: Stop the dramatics! This is supposed to be an action show!
Phlox: Grr... okay. We could make a clone.
Archer: Cool! I could make them do comedic acts together!
Phlox: It's not that simple
Archer: oh sure Mr. "Perfect" Phlox over here wants to make this a complicated day!
Phlox: done!
Archer: huh?
Phlox: Clones are easy to make. But they only live one week. And they're one eighth Tucker's size.
Mayweather (over the comm): Are you guys doing a parody of a parody?
Doctor Odd: Stop it! That's not in the script!
Archer: Lets kill him.
Doctor Odd: Ooh! This is great! I've always wanted to kill off Mayweather!
Archer: Not him, you.
Mayweather: Although, I could die to attract more viewers!
Archer: Good idea!
Doctor Odd: feuf...
Archer: Kill em both!
Reed: Happily... (evil lol)
Archer: Now, lets get on with the show!
Sim: Who are you guys?
Phlox: Look how fast Sim's grown!
Sim: I'm Trip.
Archer: No he's Trip. Your Trip, but not the same way as Trip. Therefor Trip is you. Trip is him, so he's not you. Trip is my buddy, and my buddy isn't a two year old like you. Make sense of it yourself.
Sim: Trip never liked you... now I know why
Sim and Archer are in the launch bay.
Sim: I can't beleive you kept that model-thing, cap'n!
Archer: Starfleet said I everyone could take one thing. It was ether this model-ship of that lame thing called 'Continuity'. What would you have chosen.
Sim: Oh, now I understand.
The model breaks.
Archer: Oh no, now I have to spend time worrying about FOUR shows ahead of me that aired before me! Ruins my idea of conquering the borg...
Sim: oh. Do you realize your talking to a clone? AND making friends with it?
Archer: Why did you have to bring up my friendlessness? NO!
Into bridge:
Archer: How is the ship doing, you guys?
Mayweather: I accidentaly drove it into a swarm of rocks.
Archer: They're building on the hull!
Reed: I tried to warn him, captain.
Trip (over the comm): She can't take no more, cap'n!
Mayweather: At least the parodic version of Mayweather HAS lines!
Archer: Grr... that's not MY favorite part about parodies...
Reed: I'm rather annoyed at his lines.
Archer: Me too. He's really starting to get on my nerves
Sim: Hey! I'm a teen now!
Archer: You've barely been alive two hours!
Phlox: Must be something to do with all the embarassing things that have happened to Trip over the years.
Sim: Hey, I'm fully grown! I want some key-lime pie.
Archer: But Trip-
Sim: Cap'n, notice how Trip is always putting one a silly face while he's eating your pecan pie?
Archer: I knew there wasn't supposed to be turkey livers in it!!!
Sim: Do we really have to go through with the rest of this parody?
Archer: No. Doctor Odd's dead, so how could we continue?
Phlox: Lets do something drastic!
Reed: Okay. Hummm... I killed Tucker!
Or did he? The parody ends with you wondering how Tucker is brought back to life. It's called a memory wipe. Don't worry, it wont hurt you ONE bit! Or at least you won't remember it hurting you! (insert evil laugh here)
Hope you liked Slime-ilitude!
Now, time for Tea-Light, the parody of Twilight-
Archer: Hmm... what's going on? Last thing I remember I was in a corridor!
Ship: shake, shake, shake!
Archer: Boy do I need a phycyatrist, I better go to the bridge.
Guard: Sorry, sir. I'm not allowed to permit that.
Archer: Sorry guard. I'm going to force you to permit that.
Guard: Then go! Take my wallet! Take anything! AHHH!
Archer: wuss...
Into bridge:
Archer: What's going on?
T'pol: Never you mind. Take him to the bridge.
Archer: Hellooo... I'm already here...
T'pol: I mean brig.
Archer: Oh no.
Earth: Boom
T'pol: Gasp!
Archer: Gasp!
Porthos: I want cheese!
Mayweather: Gasp!
It's been a long road
getting from there to here...
blah blah blah blah....
Into bedroom:
Archer: Hmm... what's going on? Last thing I remember I was in a corridor!
Mirror: Look at me
Archer: AHH! The mirror makes me see into the future!
Mirror: You know, I think you've finally lost it.
Archer: Yeah, me to.
T'pol: Then I guess we agree on something then!
Archer: You've changed!
T'pol: Come with me.
Into living room:
T'pol: Today is a very important day, John.
Archer: I can see that. Now take that mirror away! It's hideous...
Mirror: Aw...
T'pol: Sorry. I just love doing that to you. Look at this- you bought yourself a christmas present!
Archer: How come I don't remember it?
T'pol: Because Rick Berman thought that you should have a case of memory-loss in an episode.
Archer: Is that so...
T'pol: Personally, I think that there wasn't very much need for a change.
Archer: Explain Everything!
T'pol: Okay. It's pretty boring. In fact, I think I'll leave some parts out... yes.
Archer: Why am I old- and NOT going bald like Sisko, Picard and Kirk?
T'pol: I'm not sure, but to put things lightly, Earth's gone bye-bye. Trip's stolen your precious chair.
Archer: That dirty scum...
T'pol: Water Polo has been declared illegal.
Archer: Why?
T'pol: Ask Doctor Odd, he wrote this parody after all.
Archer: Never mind. Earth's gone?
T'pol: yep. And this conversation is over to. Last time I tried to explain it to you, you almost killed yourself.
Archer: Why am I old?
T'pol: The conversation is-
Archer: Hmm... what's going on? Last thing I remember I was in a corridor!
T'pol: Will the madness ever end...?
Archer: Where's Trip? Where's Mayweather? I want my mommy...
T'pol: Here we go again...
Trip: welcome aboard, captain.
Archer: Where's your accent?
Trip: The xindi probe took it alongside Earth.
Archer: Earth. It's- too- sad...WAAA! WAAA!
Trip: GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF, MAN!
Archer: sob.
Trip: I mean, that's the ninth time I've had to say welcome aboard, captain!
Archer: Hmm... what's going on? Last thing-
T'pol: MAKE THE PARODY END NOW!
Doctor Odd: Okay. But I'l have to skip the end!
Everyone: NOW!
Doctor Odd: Okay, okay, okay...
Parody: Over
Don't worry. Since all is happy in the star ttrek universe, Earth didn't REALLY explode. In fact, all it did was orbit the sun like it usually does. Anyway... that's t for parody number five. To end the parody, tonight, Archer will be doing his own rendition of a Billy Joel classic!
Archer:Don't go changing, to try and please me
You never let me down before
Don't imagine you're too familiar
And I don't see you anymore
I wouldn't leave you in times of trouble
We never could have come this far
I took the good times, I'll take the bad times
I'll take you just the way you are
Don't go trying some new fashion
Don't change the color of your hair
You always have my unspoken passion
Although I might not seem to care
I don't want clever conversation
I never want to work that hard
I just want someone that I can talk to
I want you just the way you are.
I need to know that you will always be- Hmm... what's going on? Last thing I remember I was in a corridor!
